Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
