I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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