If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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