dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just invented taco cereal.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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