I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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