remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize