woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
