True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
