Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
