I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
True college students do jello shots in the library
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
