i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
