Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
