Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
