i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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