it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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