I like to think it a success when the cops are called
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
