I just saw a hot homeless man
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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