i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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