Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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