when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize