the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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