if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
