his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
