somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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