every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
