Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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