he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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