If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize