just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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