So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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