Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
