will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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