Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
