Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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