im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
