Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
