i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
