You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
