I wanna passion pit in your ass
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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