dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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