i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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