Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
