i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
