I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
