His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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