I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
