Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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