it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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