she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
