whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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