they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
