my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
