i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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