I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Houston, we have a squirter
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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