So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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