I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
