I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize